i AM BACK!!!

Well, I know that I have been away for a while but I am ready to come back in full force. The first thing I want to talk about is my dearest friend. She is driving me crazy because while we are sms ing each other when she is finished she writes "whatever........bye". AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! It drives me crazy. To me that is like saying fuck you. Probably it is intensified because I am borderline. Then after that I do not hear anything from her and I think she hates me. It is crazy I know but I think "out of sight out of mind". It is hard for me to believe that anyone thinks of me outside of my being there. I know. I know. Any advice?

The Stalker is Back (and more)

Well, after a few months the stalker is back in full force. He started calling my helper and asking for information. He even came by the house. He scares me and makes me fear for my son's safety. Why would he continue to call and come by knowing that I want nothing to do with him. But, you know this seems like something I have probably done before. I am so happy that I have changed and grown as a person.

On a lighter note.........I am going to out of town for the weekend. Me and my girlfriend are going to have some fun. :) shopping and eating meat ... I am so excited.

Better than before..

Today, I over slept and did not go to gym or get my son to school. I felt awful but I guess I did not set my alarm. I am so tired and my husband gets so frustrated with me especially when I slur my words. He always asks me if I am on drugs again. But, I am not it is just when I am tired I do that. It is embarrassing but it happens to me. I am trying to do good and have a nice life but I can do it for a few days then I stumble. One thing I can say is it is better now than ever before.

After all a good night....

Last night was more than interesting. We were supposed to have dinner with my friend and her husband but they canceled at the last minuted. I was upset then my husband helped calm me down. We had some awesome sex instead of dinner so I was very much happy. I was a bit confused at first because I was upset that they canceled but then surprisingly I let go of that fast. Usually I don't let go of things easily. But, my husband did tell me that I could have something that is big that I have kinda been wanting. I'll tell you that big secret later.

The question..

Everyday my housekeeper asks me, several times, "madam upset?" She only knows a few English words but these she knows well. I wonder if I come off as a raging crazy American? I believe she is scared of me. I guess I can be a little aggressive at times but I could never be violate these days.

Hello! Update

I know I have been away for a while but everything is still the same. My mom is still writing those insane emails that show how nuts she really is. I think I have decided to stay away. I know I said the last time but this time I feel stronger. We have marked the day for a baby on June 14, 2008 my husband said in 2 yrs and we would have a baby but he said that back in January. Some times I wonder if he even wants a child with me. I know he loves me but does he like me. Better yet, is he in love with me? I wonder? I guess it is just the trust issues that I have . He has done nothing but prove his love for me time and time again. This BPD stuff is a real kicker.

Again... Same Problem

I am still nervous about my friend not emailing me. I am just as paranoid as ever. I keep checking my email and praying even though I know she is probably asleep because she is half way around the world right now. My husband will not let me take any additional medication to get through. Please offer some advice.

Monday....

Well, today the Dr. put my son on Prozac for depression. I feel like I am suffocating my friend. She is away and I emailed 3 times and called once. I talked to her on the phone but no response on the emails. I have to stop but I do not know how. I am afraid the she no longer likes me but I am sure that everything is fine (I know that sounds crazy). Any advice on how to relieve me of this paranoid thought and desperate behaviors. She means the world to me and I do not want to drive her away. Please help.

Again..

Maybe all this "talk" about attention is just because it is the seven day count day. Because normally he holds my hand, kisses before bed and rubs my back. But lately he has not probably because he worked 72 hrs then napped for 5 hrs and then 72 hrs again. I am being crazy and unreasonable. Right?

Better Today....I Think..

Well, I woke up early and today appears to be a better day already. No drama. No crap. But, we'll see how long this last.

My son tells me the nicest things. He makes me feel so wonderful and like I should have hundred of them. ha ha ha Today he said that I always do the right thing and I am like a movie star. The great things kids say.

Well, the drama started. All I want is from my husband is to show me a little attention and he says that I act like a child because I need attention. Have you ever done something and knew it was wrong and did it anyways?

This sucks...

Today sucks like nothing before. I feel like leaving India and my husband. He works non stop and gives me no attention. I am just acting like a baby I think. Really it is the seven day count down to the curse. Everything just seems like CRAP! Can anyone relate?

Lose my head...

My husband drives me insane. He knows just what button to push. Sometimes I feel I should move on with my life because I do not know if he is "in love" with me the way I want him to be. I know he loves me but.... I do not know maybe it is just his personality. The reason I do not leave is for the most part I am happy and know he loves me. It is just this time that he is working 72 hrs non stop that gets me because I get no attention. Selfish huh? Because he is working for me.......... I am right where I am supposed to be.

Good...Night meds

Things actually have been going good. I really can't complain about anything. Well, there is one thing my night time medication has not been working that well anymore. I am even taking more of the same medication Geodon. I take 120 at night and it takes hours to fall asleep. Before no more than an hour. Any suggestions?

Again...

My mom is making me crazy again. What the hell is her deal. When she called to tell me about my grandma she said "I just called to tell you about her and you were the last on the list of people to call." Last on the list? I do a lot for them and I am last!? But, why say that? She just does that crap to push my buttons. So, I have not been calling her. Well, last night I had to. I was trying to reach my niece. When she answered I asked quickly if she was there she said no then I thanked her and hung up. Next, my son wanted to talk to my mom so I let him call her. I had him say sorry for me being short, I did not mean it. Anyway, she told him she thought I was acting like I always do. Stupid &%#@!. When she visited, my son asked her why she was so mean to me when I was a kid and she replied that I was mean to her. Some people just love to stir the pot.

As I promised..

Well I did go out with my friends and I had a blast. Things are really starting to go well here in India. I am starting to get comfortable with myself. I guess I am starting to find myself. After 30 years I guess it is about time. I am really learning a lot about myself from my friend. She really is great.

Update...

Things are pretty much the same here but I have made a few changes. My friends and husband are now talking to me after the medication change. I sent my grandparents a web cam so that I may "see" them more. Tonight I am going out with my friends and I am excited. My son and husband are doing well. I will post tomorrow about how my night went. Thanks.

Medication change

On Friday I wrote about my obsessive thoughts what I did not write about is the medication change that the doctor did. He doubled one medicine and added another. To me at first this seemed fine, I was just tired more, a lot more. But, then I noticed that people were not calling me or talking to me anymore. My friend, who I like a lot, stopped taking my calls. My husband barely talked to me. So, I began to tapper off the new medicine because I feared it might be really effecting me. Finally, I asked them what was up and they said that I seemed to have lost all my personality, I was dry. So, I was glad that I tapered the medication, under doctor supervision of coarse. I guess what I am trying to say is that it shocks me that the doctor seemed fine with the medicated me but others did not. Especially me. I am glad to be back to the old me.

Added recipes...

I enjoy baking so I decided to add recipes to my blog. These are recipes that I have tried and like. I will be adding new ones often. I hope you enjoy them as I have.

Obsessive thoughts..

Earlier in the week I would have obsessive thoughts about anything. I could see someone with an ice cream then my mind would demand one, over and over until I ate one. I would get it in my head that no one liked me and I would cry for hours until either I forced myself to call someone out of obsession or someone came or called to talk to me. It is very humiliating acting like this. Only now am I being able to understand this as a sickness. With that said it makes it harder to deal with. Before I thought it was a quirk now I realize that something is really wrong with me.

Do you ever feel...

Do you ever feel defeated by the same person in your life? Like you can never win an argument, that they are always right? I only feel this way with one person because everyone else I will argue into the ground but him.....

I do feel this way and now I am to the point that I am starting to just not argue. I feel 100% defeated. When he says something I just agree. When he asks what is wrong I say nothing because if I say it he will tell me all the reasons why I am wrong. Then he'll get pissed at me for saying what is on my mind even after he asked.

This did not happen before we came here so, I suppose that it is just that he is so busy. But, it is frustrating not being on a level playing field. He always wins everything. I know he is smarter than me but it still hurts. But, I feel like when this work ends so will never being right. I hope so. Any advice.

Regrets and Confusion...

My husband does not want me to go visit my grandma. He does not want me to go visit because he is afraid that I cannot handle it. But, this hurts more than I could have ever imagined. I have an overwhelming guilt that I will regret, for the rest of my life, not going to see her. It is tough to decide which is more important, her or him? He has never lead me down the wrong path but at times I feel he is controlling me. What do I do?

Alzheimer's and my grandmother...

The other day I found out that my grandmother has Alzheimer's. I cried a lot. She has always been a part of my life and with this new discovery I know that it is going to end. It breaks my heart because I am 30 and always have had her so I thought she would never die. Her or my grandpa.

Even though she has not always been the nicest person to me she has been the nicest out of my family. She stood by me when no one else did. She and my grandpa did so much for me. I could never repay them. Though I do try. I feel really bad because the past 4 yrs (since I have been married) my son and I have not seen much of them. Before I got married we seen them several times a week. So, my son does not remember that much of them. It really saddens me. I want to go visit them but cash is not something we have a lot of right now. So, I am trying to wait sometime. But, I need to see her. I do not think my husband really understands that. He just said no that we cannot go but I am afraid that if I do not go I will regret it for the rest of my life because I have all of this guilt. Guilt from not seeing her for almost 2 yrs and not doing more to take care of them. Maybe it is that I am feeling guilty for living my own life. I do not know but I do know that I love them and I want know that I did something to help make her life better when she needed it most. I guess I will wait a little longer until the right time. Has anyone else had this problem?

The thing I hate the most about Indian culture....

Time. An Indian will call and say "I will be there in two minutes" so, you get up and get ready. But, reality is 25 minutes later they are not there. If they say "I'll be there at 11:30" they normally show around 12:15 to 12:30. I know this and I still get frustrated. It kills me. This and business people never answering their phones. I ask all the time "with the time problem and not answering the phones how do Indians stay in business, how do they make money?" Baffles me.....

Turning 30....Turning into a Bitch?

I am turning 30 in the next few months and I have started to notice some changes within myself.

I used to be a total bitch then I began to mellow out. Now, more of a bitch than ever. The other day I went to the movie cinema to get ice cream and before you go in you have to open your bag, so I did. The lady started to put her hand in purse and rifle through my things and I pulled back and said that's enough. She turned around and began to laugh so, I stopped and asked loudly "is there an issue?" The watchman said no. But I was ready to fight. What has gotten into me?

Another change is the amount of sex I require is growing. I heard that this happens. Even my husband has noticed. This normally would not be a bad thing but my husband is working A LOT!

The last few things are simple. I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin, less ashamed of who I am and what I have done. I speak more directly and tell exactly how I feel. I suppose none of these things are too bad some are even good. So, I guess turning 30 maybe a wonderful blessing after all.

7 day count down....

Did you ever know a woman that was confident 3 weeks out of the month then on the 4 week she was nuts and the cycle repeats every month? That is me. On the first day of the 7 day count down to my period I get enraged about everything not to mention crazy. My husband avoids me because I get moody and say things that are not nice. This month I yelled at a rickshaw driver, pissed my husband off to no end and yelled at my friend. And there is still 2 days left. I try to control myself but it just comes out anyway. I am working out everyday to try to relieve some of the stress but nothing helps. Some months I spend insane amounts of money and what makes that worse is I have nothing to show for it. I know it is sad to see a grown woman stomp her feet and yell. It has only not happened one time, this was a few months ago and I have tried to repeat it but no luck. Any advice?

I was asked....

I was asked why am I here and if I like it. So, here it is. I am in India because my husband and I own an IT company here. I do not like it here most days because of the major cultural differences, it can be very trying to deal with. But, then I am becoming quite spoiled. Because we have a cook and a housekeeper. All I have to do is have fun and work a little. What could be better than that?

My Arranged Marriage....

At this company I was working, the HR manager and I were friends. She seen me go on dates and strike out a lot. So, one day she came into work and said that she had a dream that her oldest son and I were dating. I asked questions about him. I asked how old is he? 34. Were does he live? In another state. What does he do? Engineer. With that, I decided to email him. A few days later he emailed back then we talked on the phone a few times. That is when he decided to drive down to visit me. This was a Friday. We were married the following week.

I believe that you never know who is going to make you happy. We have been married 4 yrs and have seen our share of rough spots. Yet, we are happier than ever.

Fight....

For the past few days I have been a little bitchy but, I have noticed it and talked to my therapist about it. We concluded that it is the lack of sex. My husband and I have been on different schedules for about the past 6 weeks and it is effecting our sex life. So, anyway, yesterday my husband asked me to get him a snack out of the snack basket. Then he went on to say that someone spilled cookies in the bottom of it. I lost it. I do not know why, but I lost it. I said "Yeah I did it and I guess I am too stupid to know better!" Then I rolled my eyes and walked away. I did not do it but.....I do not know. Crazy. Anyway, he got up and said "I do not know why you have been acting this way but I am not going to take it!" Then we just sat down and relaxed.

I am going to the gym to try to offset the frustration but I guess it is not working. Any suggestions?

A "Cure?"

Since I have been in India I have had a few doctors tell me that BPD is "curable" if I take these herbal pills or drink a special herbal tea twice a day. Now, they are telling me that my ADHD son can be "cured" if he drinks a herbal medicine twice a day for 1 year.

Here is my thing. This is coming from people that eat so much artery clogging food that they rarely live past 50. So, they can "cure" what is incurable by the rest of the world but cannot figure out how to live past 50? Just a thought.

I am not saying that I do not believe in this. What I am saying is it is a very foreign idea to me. If you have any thoughts please share to help shed some light on the subject.

Something that drives me insane.....

There is a lot of things that make me crazy but this one by far makes me insane. When you speak to Indians on the phone and you break from speaking for a millisecond the start with "Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello". They repeat this non stop. It is annoying and leaves you no time to think about what to say. I get so angry when this happens I have been known to hang up or beat the phone against the table. Just thought I would share.

Something I like....

Well, I thought I would share a little more about myself. My favorite thing to do it SHOP! I can be just sitting home and decide that I should go buy something. Lately, though I have been resisting that urge to shop. It is tough. The other day someone gave me a set of new clothes so that "fixed" me for a while. I used to shop so much that my husband took away my credit cards. I actually spent close to 60k (USD) in less that 6 months, all that on me. I guess you can say that I have a problem.

Hot!!!!!!!!

It is about 110 degrees here and expected to get much hotter next month. Our A/C in the living room stopped working Saturday night. We are melting. Anyway, I am feeling ok, I guess. I am having strange feelings about things. Things like people not calling or emailing me back. Only with some does it bother me others not at all. I guess I just want to be liked. Last night my husband says he wants to bring his parents over and set them up here. I almost cried but I smile and took it. He asked what was wrong and I told him. Then he told me as he always does, that I come first. That is helpful. But, then he got really mad with me when I told him that I want to baby now. He said that I was not communicating with him and how is he supposed to know what I want if I do not tell him. Last month I agreed with him that I could wait 2 yrs and I fully intended to stick with that. He pushed me to say what was on my mind. What can I say?

Clean and Sober........

When I was about 15, I started drinking. Then that quickly turned in to much harder drugs like crank. I went to rehab for that then I started using diet pills. But, I thought that that was "ok" because they were given to me by the doctor. Crazy huh? Then when I got married I kicked that and started using Xanax and Valium. Only now, the past 5 months, have I been totally clean. It feels pretty nice but can be frustrating at times. Sometimes I feel like if I just had something that I would be better. Though I have found food, sex and the gym are great substitutes. But, I have to keep it in moderation or I'll get burned out.

My Monster in Law

My mother in law.....What can I say. When I first met her I loved her but after 4 yrs of marriage I have seen the true woman. Everything was fine until we got ready to move to India. We made an agreement that all the new things in our house my bother in law could have for a mere $2,000, that is everything except our TV. Here is 15 months later and I still have yet to see that money. Anyway, she was storing some clearly labeled boxes for me. These were my new and very expensive winter clothes. After we where here for about 8 months I asked her to send my boxes to my cousin. Well, a few days later she says she accidentally gave my stuff away. Pissed me off. Later, I found out that she gave it all to my sister in law, who I HATE as well. I also, found out that my bother in law has our TV. So, I am steamed! But, got to be nice to her. I could puke. But, the worst part is she went through my personal documents and found out that I gave a baby up for adoption. Instead of asking me about it she come 1/2 way around the world to ask my husband if he trusts me. You know she lies, is two faced and she eats a lot. She makes me sick!!!! Does anyone else have this problem with a monster in law?

Feelin good

Well, I am afraid to say this but I am pretty happy with life. I am actually gaining friends, at least I think. I am really feeling pretty good about myself too. Though I am messing up left and right my head is still hung high. I am just so proud that I just might be growing up!

Today...

I just wanted to share this. Today, I had lunch with several other Americans and I felt good about myself. It has been a long time since I had confidence in myself. I wonder if I am growing up?

The stalker

Well, I have a stalker. It is kinda strange because I have always been the one who stalks so, I do not know how to act. Here is the story.

M-F I pick my son up at the bus stop nearby by our house. For the past 2 weeks there is this guy that stops by and chats. At first it was nothing abnormal because people chat and take pictures of us a lot. But, things started getting creepy when he shows up at my house, uninvited and brings me flowers. Then later that day he meets me at the bus stop and says "tell me when your husband is not home and I'll come over." Then he gives me a hat. Well, come on....a hat. At least some diamonds. ha ha Up until now I have been "nice" about the situation, trying not to cause ripples, being a foreigner and all. But, now I must be harsh because he has crossed the line. Does anyone have any advice?

Hard day.....

Yesterday, was a difficult day for me. Being borderline is tough sometimes. Anyway, a few days ago I made soft plans, with a lady that I met recently, to go away on a weekend trip and to do some local shopping. She called yesterday morning and said that she did not want to go on the trip or shopping with me but maybe we could have lunch later in the week. I said that, that was fine. But, then the feeling of rejection over took me. I had to go see my therapist and that only helped a little. Today, I still feel some of the hang over of feeling rejected. My therapist said that I take things too personal , which is true, but that is part of borderline. I just feel that I am always messing up therefor people do not like me unless I am doing something for them like giving money, sleeping with them or something like that. So, I do not feel good enough. Though, it is getting much better than before, so, I am proud of that.

Just saying....

Today, I am feeling pretty good. Let's pray I stay that way. My husband has been working for 3 days (no sleep) on some new business adventure. Him not sleeping for days is really nothing new, he does it when it is needed. I on the other hand, require sleep to live. I guess being borderline it causes me to be really bitchy if I do not get sleep. At the same time when I travel, abroad, the flights are usually all night and I get no sleep but I handle it well. I guess because it is usually just my small son and I traveling so I have to be alert to take care of him and get the car, hotel and food.

Change the subject. My husband has had a vasectomy (4 yrs ago) and now we are talking about having more children. He is thinking in another 2 yrs. Me, I am thinking now. Every month I pray it failed and I am pregnant. I get all excited when my body even remotely acts like it might be pregnant. It is to the point, that I have picked out a name (I just know it will be a girl!). I know this is crazy but I pray for it everyday. I think the reason I want a baby is it will occupy my time. I know that I have one son but, he goes to school and has his own things he likes to do.

Speaking of son and things to do. He is a mischievous thing. He is also, ADHD with an IQ of 125. So, when he does something it is dangerous. Yesterday, I kept smelling something when I walked through the hall by his room. I decided to check it out. I opened his bathroom door and was knocked over by the smell. He went stinky in a bucket (here you use a bucket to help in showering). I thought I was going to die! As of late, he has been acting out more and more. I do not know what to do. I take him to a shrink and it is helping some. Any advice?

My mom......

Here is some background. When I was 16 I found out I was pregnant. I told my parents and a few days later I woke up to an empty house. I mean EMPTY. No parents, no food and no furniture. I found out that my parents were getting a divorce and my mom ran off to another state in the middle of the night. My dad moved in with this 20 yr girlfriend. So, the only thing I had a car that my dad gave me. That did not last long. He came and took it away and said his girlfriend did not like me having a car "she owned".

So, lived no where for a while. I tried to ask my parents for help but they were too busy to deal with me. So, when the baby came and I tried to get a house and take care of her but I could not. I was alone, broke and scared at 16. So, I decided to give the baby up for adoption.

When my parents found out they were shocked. I still do not know why because I asked everyone for help. Anyway, my mom always holds it over my head.

Today, I got an email from her that said I am "short and rude" when I talk to her. I just do not listen to her crap, sometimes I hang up. Anyway, she went on to say that "she may not be the best mom but is certainly better at being a mom than I was as a teenager. "

You know, I think I did the best that I could given the situation. That baby (she is now 13) has had a better life than I could have even given her. I do not regret my choice. I talk to her every few months and she is happier than you can imagine.

I guess the reason I am writing this is I want someone besides my husband to hear me and understand because this is not something I share with people.

Just a note. My mom for sure has BPD but she refuses to admit it, get help or take medication. I want to cut the ties but.....she is my mom. What to do?

As the day goes on.....

Nothing really exciting has happened. I meet a couple of Americans here. They are nice but I feel so.... like I do not belong with these people. They are a lot smarter than me and I know it. Yet, they are very nice to me. I feel like it is pity. But, I have this problem, also. Here it is...

My husband and I have been married for four yrs and are planning on more children in the next few years. We said when his company sales and things slow down. We want a solid future for our children.

My bother in law just married his 3rd wife and they are pregnant, already. This pisses me off because they can't support themselves (or his other children) and he just became clean from drugs (or so he says). He is a waiter and she has no job. The worse part is they fight all the time.

But, really I am jealous and I do not know why. My husband's company was made an offer to buy and we have everything going for us. We will be having a baby soon, I know that but this twisted part of me hates them for having a baby before me. It is to the point I will not send a gift or speak to them.

Have you ever been jealous even when you have something better?

I guess it is the borderline talking but I could watch them die and never lift a finger to help. But, they are not the only ones I feel this way about.

Time moves slow here.....

Time moves at a snail's pace here and it sucks. Nothing really exciting here happens except dealing with the natives is tough and has its fair share of headaches.

But, when my mom was here she drove me nuts. She does whatever she wants when she wants. She leaves messes everywhere and makes no attempt to clean them up. Her room, when she left, was a pig sty. And she wonders why I do not get along with her.

My husband suggested that I go spend the summer with her. I broke down and cried. I could never spend 2 months with her in her space. That' s the other thing she has no space. She lives with her sister. I would love to go back to the States for some real food but it is not worth dealing with her for 2 months. Also, since I am borderline leaving my husband is really hard. He takes care of me and the whole abandonment thing comes into place. Does anyone else have this problem?

My day as an American

The day started off slow, but, then started to pick up. So, I was relaxed and happy to be alive. Until, I went to the bus stop top pick up my son. I was standing there, just waiting, when an older man came up and asked me what my country was. I smiled brightly and said "US". Then the bastard spit on me. Can you believe that. I am asked, often, what country I come from but have never gotten a reaction like that.

It took all my will power not to punch him in the mouth. My day went down hill from there.

Just a little piece of my day.

March 24, 2008

As you know my husband and I own a company in a foreign country. He allowed his assistant to pick out some gifts for her and her family for being so nice to my in laws when they came to visit. His assistant picked out makeup for her and her sister. When I got the gifts in, I freaked because a man does not give makeup to any woman unless he is sleeping with her. I know he is not but still.....

Let me give you a little background. His assistant, M, used to work for me. She helped me out around the house and deal with emotional issues that I had. Then when my husband, R, needed help in the office we got her to step in. But, she still does work for me. Now, she treats me like a mental patient. She talks to me like I am slow and then she half ass does what I ask her to do. Like, I need a light bulb in the kitchen replaced and she has yet, after 2 weeks, gotten anyone. Yet, she tells me to wait at home that they are coming. Stupid Bitch! She drives me insane.

So now do you see why I hate her and find it inappropriate for her to choose makeup as a gift from us. I feel like going and breaking the makeup.

The good news is that I am currently trying to find someone to replace her.

Intro

I would like to introduce myself but because I am going to be totally honest here, I am not going to give my name. Please understand, because my family won't. So, I am 30 yrs old, married and have a son. I live in a foreign country that is light years behind the rest of the world. I am suffer from borderline, bipolar and an eating disorder. But, if people do not hear that I have these disorders then they usually think I am normal. So, over time I will allow you to get to know me like no one else ever has. You can read about my everyday problems and, if you like, give some much needed advice.