A "Cure?"

Since I have been in India I have had a few doctors tell me that BPD is "curable" if I take these herbal pills or drink a special herbal tea twice a day. Now, they are telling me that my ADHD son can be "cured" if he drinks a herbal medicine twice a day for 1 year.

Here is my thing. This is coming from people that eat so much artery clogging food that they rarely live past 50. So, they can "cure" what is incurable by the rest of the world but cannot figure out how to live past 50? Just a thought.

I am not saying that I do not believe in this. What I am saying is it is a very foreign idea to me. If you have any thoughts please share to help shed some light on the subject.

Something that drives me insane.....

There is a lot of things that make me crazy but this one by far makes me insane. When you speak to Indians on the phone and you break from speaking for a millisecond the start with "Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello". They repeat this non stop. It is annoying and leaves you no time to think about what to say. I get so angry when this happens I have been known to hang up or beat the phone against the table. Just thought I would share.

Something I like....

Well, I thought I would share a little more about myself. My favorite thing to do it SHOP! I can be just sitting home and decide that I should go buy something. Lately, though I have been resisting that urge to shop. It is tough. The other day someone gave me a set of new clothes so that "fixed" me for a while. I used to shop so much that my husband took away my credit cards. I actually spent close to 60k (USD) in less that 6 months, all that on me. I guess you can say that I have a problem.

Hot!!!!!!!!

It is about 110 degrees here and expected to get much hotter next month. Our A/C in the living room stopped working Saturday night. We are melting. Anyway, I am feeling ok, I guess. I am having strange feelings about things. Things like people not calling or emailing me back. Only with some does it bother me others not at all. I guess I just want to be liked. Last night my husband says he wants to bring his parents over and set them up here. I almost cried but I smile and took it. He asked what was wrong and I told him. Then he told me as he always does, that I come first. That is helpful. But, then he got really mad with me when I told him that I want to baby now. He said that I was not communicating with him and how is he supposed to know what I want if I do not tell him. Last month I agreed with him that I could wait 2 yrs and I fully intended to stick with that. He pushed me to say what was on my mind. What can I say?

Clean and Sober........

When I was about 15, I started drinking. Then that quickly turned in to much harder drugs like crank. I went to rehab for that then I started using diet pills. But, I thought that that was "ok" because they were given to me by the doctor. Crazy huh? Then when I got married I kicked that and started using Xanax and Valium. Only now, the past 5 months, have I been totally clean. It feels pretty nice but can be frustrating at times. Sometimes I feel like if I just had something that I would be better. Though I have found food, sex and the gym are great substitutes. But, I have to keep it in moderation or I'll get burned out.

My Monster in Law

My mother in law.....What can I say. When I first met her I loved her but after 4 yrs of marriage I have seen the true woman. Everything was fine until we got ready to move to India. We made an agreement that all the new things in our house my bother in law could have for a mere $2,000, that is everything except our TV. Here is 15 months later and I still have yet to see that money. Anyway, she was storing some clearly labeled boxes for me. These were my new and very expensive winter clothes. After we where here for about 8 months I asked her to send my boxes to my cousin. Well, a few days later she says she accidentally gave my stuff away. Pissed me off. Later, I found out that she gave it all to my sister in law, who I HATE as well. I also, found out that my bother in law has our TV. So, I am steamed! But, got to be nice to her. I could puke. But, the worst part is she went through my personal documents and found out that I gave a baby up for adoption. Instead of asking me about it she come 1/2 way around the world to ask my husband if he trusts me. You know she lies, is two faced and she eats a lot. She makes me sick!!!! Does anyone else have this problem with a monster in law?

Feelin good

Well, I am afraid to say this but I am pretty happy with life. I am actually gaining friends, at least I think. I am really feeling pretty good about myself too. Though I am messing up left and right my head is still hung high. I am just so proud that I just might be growing up!

Today...

I just wanted to share this. Today, I had lunch with several other Americans and I felt good about myself. It has been a long time since I had confidence in myself. I wonder if I am growing up?

The stalker

Well, I have a stalker. It is kinda strange because I have always been the one who stalks so, I do not know how to act. Here is the story.

M-F I pick my son up at the bus stop nearby by our house. For the past 2 weeks there is this guy that stops by and chats. At first it was nothing abnormal because people chat and take pictures of us a lot. But, things started getting creepy when he shows up at my house, uninvited and brings me flowers. Then later that day he meets me at the bus stop and says "tell me when your husband is not home and I'll come over." Then he gives me a hat. Well, come on....a hat. At least some diamonds. ha ha Up until now I have been "nice" about the situation, trying not to cause ripples, being a foreigner and all. But, now I must be harsh because he has crossed the line. Does anyone have any advice?

Hard day.....

Yesterday, was a difficult day for me. Being borderline is tough sometimes. Anyway, a few days ago I made soft plans, with a lady that I met recently, to go away on a weekend trip and to do some local shopping. She called yesterday morning and said that she did not want to go on the trip or shopping with me but maybe we could have lunch later in the week. I said that, that was fine. But, then the feeling of rejection over took me. I had to go see my therapist and that only helped a little. Today, I still feel some of the hang over of feeling rejected. My therapist said that I take things too personal , which is true, but that is part of borderline. I just feel that I am always messing up therefor people do not like me unless I am doing something for them like giving money, sleeping with them or something like that. So, I do not feel good enough. Though, it is getting much better than before, so, I am proud of that.

Just saying....

Today, I am feeling pretty good. Let's pray I stay that way. My husband has been working for 3 days (no sleep) on some new business adventure. Him not sleeping for days is really nothing new, he does it when it is needed. I on the other hand, require sleep to live. I guess being borderline it causes me to be really bitchy if I do not get sleep. At the same time when I travel, abroad, the flights are usually all night and I get no sleep but I handle it well. I guess because it is usually just my small son and I traveling so I have to be alert to take care of him and get the car, hotel and food.

Change the subject. My husband has had a vasectomy (4 yrs ago) and now we are talking about having more children. He is thinking in another 2 yrs. Me, I am thinking now. Every month I pray it failed and I am pregnant. I get all excited when my body even remotely acts like it might be pregnant. It is to the point, that I have picked out a name (I just know it will be a girl!). I know this is crazy but I pray for it everyday. I think the reason I want a baby is it will occupy my time. I know that I have one son but, he goes to school and has his own things he likes to do.

Speaking of son and things to do. He is a mischievous thing. He is also, ADHD with an IQ of 125. So, when he does something it is dangerous. Yesterday, I kept smelling something when I walked through the hall by his room. I decided to check it out. I opened his bathroom door and was knocked over by the smell. He went stinky in a bucket (here you use a bucket to help in showering). I thought I was going to die! As of late, he has been acting out more and more. I do not know what to do. I take him to a shrink and it is helping some. Any advice?

My mom......

Here is some background. When I was 16 I found out I was pregnant. I told my parents and a few days later I woke up to an empty house. I mean EMPTY. No parents, no food and no furniture. I found out that my parents were getting a divorce and my mom ran off to another state in the middle of the night. My dad moved in with this 20 yr girlfriend. So, the only thing I had a car that my dad gave me. That did not last long. He came and took it away and said his girlfriend did not like me having a car "she owned".

So, lived no where for a while. I tried to ask my parents for help but they were too busy to deal with me. So, when the baby came and I tried to get a house and take care of her but I could not. I was alone, broke and scared at 16. So, I decided to give the baby up for adoption.

When my parents found out they were shocked. I still do not know why because I asked everyone for help. Anyway, my mom always holds it over my head.

Today, I got an email from her that said I am "short and rude" when I talk to her. I just do not listen to her crap, sometimes I hang up. Anyway, she went on to say that "she may not be the best mom but is certainly better at being a mom than I was as a teenager. "

You know, I think I did the best that I could given the situation. That baby (she is now 13) has had a better life than I could have even given her. I do not regret my choice. I talk to her every few months and she is happier than you can imagine.

I guess the reason I am writing this is I want someone besides my husband to hear me and understand because this is not something I share with people.

Just a note. My mom for sure has BPD but she refuses to admit it, get help or take medication. I want to cut the ties but.....she is my mom. What to do?

As the day goes on.....

Nothing really exciting has happened. I meet a couple of Americans here. They are nice but I feel so.... like I do not belong with these people. They are a lot smarter than me and I know it. Yet, they are very nice to me. I feel like it is pity. But, I have this problem, also. Here it is...

My husband and I have been married for four yrs and are planning on more children in the next few years. We said when his company sales and things slow down. We want a solid future for our children.

My bother in law just married his 3rd wife and they are pregnant, already. This pisses me off because they can't support themselves (or his other children) and he just became clean from drugs (or so he says). He is a waiter and she has no job. The worse part is they fight all the time.

But, really I am jealous and I do not know why. My husband's company was made an offer to buy and we have everything going for us. We will be having a baby soon, I know that but this twisted part of me hates them for having a baby before me. It is to the point I will not send a gift or speak to them.

Have you ever been jealous even when you have something better?

I guess it is the borderline talking but I could watch them die and never lift a finger to help. But, they are not the only ones I feel this way about.

Time moves slow here.....

Time moves at a snail's pace here and it sucks. Nothing really exciting here happens except dealing with the natives is tough and has its fair share of headaches.

But, when my mom was here she drove me nuts. She does whatever she wants when she wants. She leaves messes everywhere and makes no attempt to clean them up. Her room, when she left, was a pig sty. And she wonders why I do not get along with her.

My husband suggested that I go spend the summer with her. I broke down and cried. I could never spend 2 months with her in her space. That' s the other thing she has no space. She lives with her sister. I would love to go back to the States for some real food but it is not worth dealing with her for 2 months. Also, since I am borderline leaving my husband is really hard. He takes care of me and the whole abandonment thing comes into place. Does anyone else have this problem?