This sucks...

Today sucks like nothing before. I feel like leaving India and my husband. He works non stop and gives me no attention. I am just acting like a baby I think. Really it is the seven day count down to the curse. Everything just seems like CRAP! Can anyone relate?

Lose my head...

My husband drives me insane. He knows just what button to push. Sometimes I feel I should move on with my life because I do not know if he is "in love" with me the way I want him to be. I know he loves me but.... I do not know maybe it is just his personality. The reason I do not leave is for the most part I am happy and know he loves me. It is just this time that he is working 72 hrs non stop that gets me because I get no attention. Selfish huh? Because he is working for me.......... I am right where I am supposed to be.

Good...Night meds

Things actually have been going good. I really can't complain about anything. Well, there is one thing my night time medication has not been working that well anymore. I am even taking more of the same medication Geodon. I take 120 at night and it takes hours to fall asleep. Before no more than an hour. Any suggestions?

Again...

My mom is making me crazy again. What the hell is her deal. When she called to tell me about my grandma she said "I just called to tell you about her and you were the last on the list of people to call." Last on the list? I do a lot for them and I am last!? But, why say that? She just does that crap to push my buttons. So, I have not been calling her. Well, last night I had to. I was trying to reach my niece. When she answered I asked quickly if she was there she said no then I thanked her and hung up. Next, my son wanted to talk to my mom so I let him call her. I had him say sorry for me being short, I did not mean it. Anyway, she told him she thought I was acting like I always do. Stupid &%#@!. When she visited, my son asked her why she was so mean to me when I was a kid and she replied that I was mean to her. Some people just love to stir the pot.

As I promised..

Well I did go out with my friends and I had a blast. Things are really starting to go well here in India. I am starting to get comfortable with myself. I guess I am starting to find myself. After 30 years I guess it is about time. I am really learning a lot about myself from my friend. She really is great.

Update...

Things are pretty much the same here but I have made a few changes. My friends and husband are now talking to me after the medication change. I sent my grandparents a web cam so that I may "see" them more. Tonight I am going out with my friends and I am excited. My son and husband are doing well. I will post tomorrow about how my night went. Thanks.

Medication change

On Friday I wrote about my obsessive thoughts what I did not write about is the medication change that the doctor did. He doubled one medicine and added another. To me at first this seemed fine, I was just tired more, a lot more. But, then I noticed that people were not calling me or talking to me anymore. My friend, who I like a lot, stopped taking my calls. My husband barely talked to me. So, I began to tapper off the new medicine because I feared it might be really effecting me. Finally, I asked them what was up and they said that I seemed to have lost all my personality, I was dry. So, I was glad that I tapered the medication, under doctor supervision of coarse. I guess what I am trying to say is that it shocks me that the doctor seemed fine with the medicated me but others did not. Especially me. I am glad to be back to the old me.

Added recipes...

I enjoy baking so I decided to add recipes to my blog. These are recipes that I have tried and like. I will be adding new ones often. I hope you enjoy them as I have.

Obsessive thoughts..

Earlier in the week I would have obsessive thoughts about anything. I could see someone with an ice cream then my mind would demand one, over and over until I ate one. I would get it in my head that no one liked me and I would cry for hours until either I forced myself to call someone out of obsession or someone came or called to talk to me. It is very humiliating acting like this. Only now am I being able to understand this as a sickness. With that said it makes it harder to deal with. Before I thought it was a quirk now I realize that something is really wrong with me.

Do you ever feel...

Do you ever feel defeated by the same person in your life? Like you can never win an argument, that they are always right? I only feel this way with one person because everyone else I will argue into the ground but him.....

I do feel this way and now I am to the point that I am starting to just not argue. I feel 100% defeated. When he says something I just agree. When he asks what is wrong I say nothing because if I say it he will tell me all the reasons why I am wrong. Then he'll get pissed at me for saying what is on my mind even after he asked.

This did not happen before we came here so, I suppose that it is just that he is so busy. But, it is frustrating not being on a level playing field. He always wins everything. I know he is smarter than me but it still hurts. But, I feel like when this work ends so will never being right. I hope so. Any advice.

Regrets and Confusion...

My husband does not want me to go visit my grandma. He does not want me to go visit because he is afraid that I cannot handle it. But, this hurts more than I could have ever imagined. I have an overwhelming guilt that I will regret, for the rest of my life, not going to see her. It is tough to decide which is more important, her or him? He has never lead me down the wrong path but at times I feel he is controlling me. What do I do?

Alzheimer's and my grandmother...

The other day I found out that my grandmother has Alzheimer's. I cried a lot. She has always been a part of my life and with this new discovery I know that it is going to end. It breaks my heart because I am 30 and always have had her so I thought she would never die. Her or my grandpa.

Even though she has not always been the nicest person to me she has been the nicest out of my family. She stood by me when no one else did. She and my grandpa did so much for me. I could never repay them. Though I do try. I feel really bad because the past 4 yrs (since I have been married) my son and I have not seen much of them. Before I got married we seen them several times a week. So, my son does not remember that much of them. It really saddens me. I want to go visit them but cash is not something we have a lot of right now. So, I am trying to wait sometime. But, I need to see her. I do not think my husband really understands that. He just said no that we cannot go but I am afraid that if I do not go I will regret it for the rest of my life because I have all of this guilt. Guilt from not seeing her for almost 2 yrs and not doing more to take care of them. Maybe it is that I am feeling guilty for living my own life. I do not know but I do know that I love them and I want know that I did something to help make her life better when she needed it most. I guess I will wait a little longer until the right time. Has anyone else had this problem?

The thing I hate the most about Indian culture....

Time. An Indian will call and say "I will be there in two minutes" so, you get up and get ready. But, reality is 25 minutes later they are not there. If they say "I'll be there at 11:30" they normally show around 12:15 to 12:30. I know this and I still get frustrated. It kills me. This and business people never answering their phones. I ask all the time "with the time problem and not answering the phones how do Indians stay in business, how do they make money?" Baffles me.....

Turning 30....Turning into a Bitch?

I am turning 30 in the next few months and I have started to notice some changes within myself.

I used to be a total bitch then I began to mellow out. Now, more of a bitch than ever. The other day I went to the movie cinema to get ice cream and before you go in you have to open your bag, so I did. The lady started to put her hand in purse and rifle through my things and I pulled back and said that's enough. She turned around and began to laugh so, I stopped and asked loudly "is there an issue?" The watchman said no. But I was ready to fight. What has gotten into me?

Another change is the amount of sex I require is growing. I heard that this happens. Even my husband has noticed. This normally would not be a bad thing but my husband is working A LOT!

The last few things are simple. I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin, less ashamed of who I am and what I have done. I speak more directly and tell exactly how I feel. I suppose none of these things are too bad some are even good. So, I guess turning 30 maybe a wonderful blessing after all.

7 day count down....

Did you ever know a woman that was confident 3 weeks out of the month then on the 4 week she was nuts and the cycle repeats every month? That is me. On the first day of the 7 day count down to my period I get enraged about everything not to mention crazy. My husband avoids me because I get moody and say things that are not nice. This month I yelled at a rickshaw driver, pissed my husband off to no end and yelled at my friend. And there is still 2 days left. I try to control myself but it just comes out anyway. I am working out everyday to try to relieve some of the stress but nothing helps. Some months I spend insane amounts of money and what makes that worse is I have nothing to show for it. I know it is sad to see a grown woman stomp her feet and yell. It has only not happened one time, this was a few months ago and I have tried to repeat it but no luck. Any advice?

I was asked....

I was asked why am I here and if I like it. So, here it is. I am in India because my husband and I own an IT company here. I do not like it here most days because of the major cultural differences, it can be very trying to deal with. But, then I am becoming quite spoiled. Because we have a cook and a housekeeper. All I have to do is have fun and work a little. What could be better than that?

My Arranged Marriage....

At this company I was working, the HR manager and I were friends. She seen me go on dates and strike out a lot. So, one day she came into work and said that she had a dream that her oldest son and I were dating. I asked questions about him. I asked how old is he? 34. Were does he live? In another state. What does he do? Engineer. With that, I decided to email him. A few days later he emailed back then we talked on the phone a few times. That is when he decided to drive down to visit me. This was a Friday. We were married the following week.

I believe that you never know who is going to make you happy. We have been married 4 yrs and have seen our share of rough spots. Yet, we are happier than ever.

Fight....

For the past few days I have been a little bitchy but, I have noticed it and talked to my therapist about it. We concluded that it is the lack of sex. My husband and I have been on different schedules for about the past 6 weeks and it is effecting our sex life. So, anyway, yesterday my husband asked me to get him a snack out of the snack basket. Then he went on to say that someone spilled cookies in the bottom of it. I lost it. I do not know why, but I lost it. I said "Yeah I did it and I guess I am too stupid to know better!" Then I rolled my eyes and walked away. I did not do it but.....I do not know. Crazy. Anyway, he got up and said "I do not know why you have been acting this way but I am not going to take it!" Then we just sat down and relaxed.

I am going to the gym to try to offset the frustration but I guess it is not working. Any suggestions?