Better than before..

Today, I over slept and did not go to gym or get my son to school. I felt awful but I guess I did not set my alarm. I am so tired and my husband gets so frustrated with me especially when I slur my words. He always asks me if I am on drugs again. But, I am not it is just when I am tired I do that. It is embarrassing but it happens to me. I am trying to do good and have a nice life but I can do it for a few days then I stumble. One thing I can say is it is better now than ever before.

After all a good night....

Last night was more than interesting. We were supposed to have dinner with my friend and her husband but they canceled at the last minuted. I was upset then my husband helped calm me down. We had some awesome sex instead of dinner so I was very much happy. I was a bit confused at first because I was upset that they canceled but then surprisingly I let go of that fast. Usually I don't let go of things easily. But, my husband did tell me that I could have something that is big that I have kinda been wanting. I'll tell you that big secret later.

The question..

Everyday my housekeeper asks me, several times, "madam upset?" She only knows a few English words but these she knows well. I wonder if I come off as a raging crazy American? I believe she is scared of me. I guess I can be a little aggressive at times but I could never be violate these days.

Hello! Update

I know I have been away for a while but everything is still the same. My mom is still writing those insane emails that show how nuts she really is. I think I have decided to stay away. I know I said the last time but this time I feel stronger. We have marked the day for a baby on June 14, 2008 my husband said in 2 yrs and we would have a baby but he said that back in January. Some times I wonder if he even wants a child with me. I know he loves me but does he like me. Better yet, is he in love with me? I wonder? I guess it is just the trust issues that I have . He has done nothing but prove his love for me time and time again. This BPD stuff is a real kicker.

Again... Same Problem

I am still nervous about my friend not emailing me. I am just as paranoid as ever. I keep checking my email and praying even though I know she is probably asleep because she is half way around the world right now. My husband will not let me take any additional medication to get through. Please offer some advice.

Monday....

Well, today the Dr. put my son on Prozac for depression. I feel like I am suffocating my friend. She is away and I emailed 3 times and called once. I talked to her on the phone but no response on the emails. I have to stop but I do not know how. I am afraid the she no longer likes me but I am sure that everything is fine (I know that sounds crazy). Any advice on how to relieve me of this paranoid thought and desperate behaviors. She means the world to me and I do not want to drive her away. Please help.

Again..

Maybe all this "talk" about attention is just because it is the seven day count day. Because normally he holds my hand, kisses before bed and rubs my back. But lately he has not probably because he worked 72 hrs then napped for 5 hrs and then 72 hrs again. I am being crazy and unreasonable. Right?

Better Today....I Think..

Well, I woke up early and today appears to be a better day already. No drama. No crap. But, we'll see how long this last.

My son tells me the nicest things. He makes me feel so wonderful and like I should have hundred of them. ha ha ha Today he said that I always do the right thing and I am like a movie star. The great things kids say.

Well, the drama started. All I want is from my husband is to show me a little attention and he says that I act like a child because I need attention. Have you ever done something and knew it was wrong and did it anyways?